Spoiler
Alert: I assume most people have already seen these films; as a result I
discuss the plot as much as I can. I will not try to go into every detail but
generalize as much as possible.
Film:
Mean Machine (2001)
In
the beginning of ‘Mean Machine’ we see Danny ‘Mean Machine’ Meehan in an
‘Umbro’ Commercial in a spoof of a James Bond like character.
We
then see the slightly aged Danny Meehan sitting in a room full of Football
Memorabilia from his playing days in a drunken stupor watching the commercial
with liquor in his hand with self-loathing.
‘Mean
Machine’ is the British remake of the 1974 Hollywood film ‘The Longest Yard.’
In that film, Burt Reynolds portrayed a former NFL star who is sent to prison
after a run-in with the law.
This
UK version (2001) was produced by Guy Ritchie, shortly after his successful
films ‘Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’ and ‘Snatch’. In fact many of the
actors who appeared in these two films appeared in this one.
One
of those actors, Vinnie Jones, the former Football star and Wimbledon Hard-Man,
portrays Meehan (a former English International and Captain) who is sent to
Prison after giving chase to two police officers while driving drunk as well as
getting into a physical confrontation with the same police officers.
This
assault leads him to be sentenced to three years in Prison (to be spent at the
‘Longmarsh’ High Security Prison).
While
he is being transported to Prison, we hear Radio broadcasts revealing that his
career had derailed some time before after his involvement in a match fixing
scandal.
Upon
his arrival at Longmarsh, we are introduced to Ratchett (played by Geoff Bell,
another Guy Ritchie collaborator, recently seen in ‘King Arthur’). Ratchett is
the archetypal sadistic Prison Guard who takes pleasure in treating the inmates
in a demeaning way.
We
are then introduced to the Prison Chief Burton (played by Ralph Brown). He is a
stern no nonsense man, who immediately lays down the law to Meehan.
In
addition, he informs him that Meehan is about offered the Managership of the
Prison Football Team from the Prison Governor and that he should refuse this
offer (as he himself is the current Manager of the Team).
He
is then sent on his way to his cell, where we meet his cellmates Trojan (played
by Robbie Gee) and Raj (played by Comedian of Iranian Origin, Omid Djalili).
Next
we see Meehan with an old mild-mannered prisoner called Doc (played by David
Kelly, famous from ‘Waking Ned Devine’) for his Prison work detail and the pair
quickly establish a friendship.
Doc
is the elder statesman of the Prisoners who has a lot of wise advice for Meehan
and appears to be the sanest person in the Prison.
He
is then taken to see Charlie Sykes (played by John Forgeham). Sykes is the
de-facto head boss of the Prisoners. He is a well-known gangster and runs Drugs
and Gambling operations within the prison. His two lieutenants are the brawny
‘Kat’ (played by Andrew Grainger) and the Scottish ‘Chiv’ (played by Jamie
Sives, who is a fine Football player, we shall get to that…)
Sykes
signals his antagonism to Meehan by informing that he once lost a lot of money
betting in an England-Germany match. It is alluded that this was the match that
Meehan gave away a penalty kick (the fixed match in question).
The
scenery changes to the Prison Mess Hall, where we are introduced to new
characters. A young prisoner named Nitro (played by Stephen Walters) immediately
offers his services to Meehan. Nitro appears to be mentally unstable and prone
to outbursts. In one such outburst, he reveals that he is in Prison for series
of bombings.
Afterwards,
another Prisoner named ‘Massive’ (played by Vas Blackwood) befriends Meehan and
will also be along with Doc, Meehan’s closest friend in the Prison.
We
are then introduced to a new character, ‘Broadhurst Monk’. He is held in
solitary and isolation from the rest of the prisoners and held in handcuffs in
his cell. We are told that he is very dangerous and completely unpredictable
and has killed as many as 23 men.
He
is played by none other than action star Jason Statham, who was on the verge of
Hollywood stardom (another Guy Ritchie connection).
Finally,
Meehan is led to his meeting with the Governor of the Prison. He is played by
David Hemmings (famous from starring in Michelangelo Antonioni’s ‘Blow-Up’).
The
Governor formally offers him the post of Manager of his Amateur Prison Guards
Team. He is eyeing promotion from the Southern Division (Semi pros) and sees
Meehan as the ideal man for that aim.
However,
Meehan refuses saying he has not played for many years and is out of condition
(not to mention he had been warned by Chief Burton (Captain/Manager of the
Prison Guards Team)).
The
mutual dislike of the Governor and Chief Burton is also revealed as he berates
the latter for the lack of results by reminding him that he has spent a lot of
money on the team with nothing to show for.
We
are also introduced to Tracey, a female secretary working in the Prison,
(played by Sally Phillips...we shall get to later) (Note: Bernadette Peters
played this role in the 1974 Original).
Later,
Meehan is involved in a fight in the Mess Hall that eventually engulfs the
entire room and is thrown into solitary confinement.
It
is then implied that the Governor had engineered the fight. This way he now
held leverage over Meehan with the parole board, as this incident would hinder
any chance of early a parole.
It
is at this point that ‘Massive’ suggests of a way out of the predicament. His
idea is for a match between the Guards and the Inmates with Meehan as the
Captain of the Prisoners.
Meehan
proposes the idea to the Governor and Chief Burton with two conditions: 1)
Meehan himself has to pick his team, 2) ‘What goes on the pitch stays on the
pitch’.
The
match is quickly promoted as ‘Cons vs. Guards’.
At
various stages during the film, we see that the Governor has large gambling
debts to criminal elements. It is also revealed that he received most of his gambling
tips through Sykes. The Governor is all too eager for this match, as he may be
able to purge his gambling debts.
The
tryouts start with Meehan in charge and ‘Massive’ acting as Manager.
Needless
to say most of the prisoners willing to participate are out of shape. ‘Chiv’,
from Sykes’ group appears talented, but Meehan is told that Sykes would never
authorize the involvement of anyone from his crew.
At
this point, Nitro is angling a way to leave the prison to go to a
minimum-security prison. He offers his services to Ratchett to act as an
informant.
Some
time later, Ratchett and other prison guards savagely beat ‘Massive’, while
most prisoners just stand by watching. Meehan is the only one to try to stop
the beating and gets beaten in the process and is thrown in solitary again.
An
unseen prisoner sneaks in a small ball in his solitary cell and we see Meehan
starting training with upbeat music suggesting that he is getting his groove
and sense of purpose back.
In
a scene reminiscent of Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’, we see Meehan
bounce the ball at the wall while sitting and catching the rebound with his
hand.
Upon
his release, he has earned the respect of the majority of prisoners for trying
to defend ‘Massive’ against the guards.
Only
Sykes’ crew is still hostile to Meehan. The trainings resume with Meehan more
determined than ever.
Against
the wishes of ‘Massive’, Meehan includes in his squad, ‘Billy the limpet’
(played by Danny Dyer). He is a dim-witted prisoner, and generally acts as
comic relief.
 |
Meehan
and Billy the Limpet
|
Nitro
enters the fray to endear himself to Ratchett. He tips off the guards on one of
Sykes’ Drug Operations within the prison and then lies to ‘Kat’ by laying the
blame on Meehan.
Later
that day ‘Chiv’ and ‘Kat’ ambush Meehan in the shower. ‘Chiv’ is about to stab
him in the eye, when Meehan overpowers them. At this time, Chief Burton and
guards enter the showers. Meehan quickly covers the knife with his towel
thereby saving ‘Chiv’ from further trouble.
This
act earns their respect and ‘Chiv’ is eager to join the team but needs Meehan
to ask permission from Sykes. Meehan formally asks Sykes for the involvement of
his lads. As an inducement, Meehan suggests that Sykes can bet on the result.
Sykes
agrees but his condition is that Meehan has to fight one of his guys, which
turns out to be ‘Kat’.
The
fight in question involves the two men to be sitting down and lock their hands
in an arm wrestling position. They then take turns in punching the other
followed by a shot of cognac.
After
taking a heavy beating Meehan finally gets the upper hand and wins and gets
Sykes’ boys in his squad.
In
the team Meehan will take the center Midfield position. The position of
goalkeeper is vacant. ‘Chiv’ suggests the inclusion of Monk (Jason
Statham). Despite his status as a
dangerous inmate, Sykes is able to pull strings and have him join the squad.
The
respective teams step up their preparations. The Guards (with Burton in charge)
appear orderly and professional like, while Meehan’s crew is still adjusting.
To
further place pressure (and threat) on Meehan, Sykes informs that he has bet on
them to win.
Meehan
is able to analyze the opposition tactics by getting hold of videos of Guards
recent games from Tracey, the female secretary, and the pair engage in a
‘quickie’.
This
is followed by a strategy meeting in Sykes’ cell, whereby Meehan is finally
asked and reveals the reasons for being involved in match fixing (fame too
soon, gambling debts, etc..)
Ratchett
has a plan to remove Meehan from the squad, by assigning Nitro to place a bomb
in Meehan’s locker.
However,
the Locker is opened by Doc and not the intended target Meehan and Doc gets
killed.
For
this Nitro gets transferred to a Prison that is more of a mental asylum.
Onto
the matchday and we hear clichéd pep talks from the respective sides’ managers
(Burton and Meehan).
The
radio commentary for the Prisoners is done by two inmates (played by Jake
Abraham and Jason Flemyng (another Guy Ritchie connection)).
The
pair report on the match in a humorous way with much banter.
The
Prisoners squad is called ‘Mean Machine’, wearing Black shirts while the Guards
wear Red/white Horizontal striped shirts.
Needless
to say, there is a lot of kicking and foul play as each side tries to
intimidate the other.
In
a funny exchange, Meehan takes two free kicks in succession directed at
Ratchett’s crotch.
Chances
go begging from each side, as neither side is able to make a breakthrough.
There
is a running gag of Monk coming out of his line and putting his team in danger
(along with Monk imagining in black and white committing violent acts on the
guards), but all his teammates are afraid of telling him to do otherwise.
Finally
the Prisoners take the lead as Meehan volleys in the opener. Shortly afterwards
Ratchett instigates a general fight that involves everyone. The halftime
whistle ends this and the teams go to their locker rooms.
The
Governor, having bet on the Guards, senses defeat and worse (given his gambling
debts). He enters the Guards locker room and threatens the entire squad with their
jobs.
He
then has a private meeting with Meehan, instructing him to throw the game. He
blackmails Meehan by claiming that he has a written confession from Nitro,
which specifies that it was Meehan who had sent Doc to his locker to have him
killed.
This
could potentially get him up to 20 years.
A
distraught Meehan goes back onto the field but he is out of sorts and makes
virtually no effort. The Prisoners are handicapped further when Raj gets sent
off, leaving them one man short. Despite this, The Cons manage to score a
second goal.
It
is at this point that Monk’s antics cost the team. He tries to dribble his way
out of his box (a la Rene Higuita) and gets dispossessed and the guards pull
one goal back.
Meehan
feigns and injury to get off, much to the dismay of ‘Massive’ who senses the
obvious.
Afterwards
Ratchett scores a goal to level the match at (2-2). Slowly Meehan’s pride and
anger takes over and gets back on the field determined to win.
Despite
the initial mistrust of his own teammates, he starts to make inroads and wins
balls and creates chances.
It
all seems for naught as the Guards are awarded a free kick in the last minute.
Monk heroically saves the effort and in the ensuing counterattack Meehan races
part everyone and is alone with the open goal at his mercy. After some moment
of close-ups on the protagonists, he does not score and instead lays a pass
across for ‘Billy the Limpet’ to score the winner with the last kick of the
match.
At
the end of the match, the Governor threatens Meehan but Burton steps in and
fights back with the Governor. Burton honorably congratulates Meehan for a good
game.
Meehan
walks away smiling and celebrating with ‘Massive’, with his pride intact.
This
film was essentially a vehicle for former Professional Vinnie Jones, who had
recently turned to acting.
Ironically
Jones plays a fairly level headed character, which was in contrast to his fiery
and controversial character of his playing days.
In
addition, Vinnie Jones’ character is an English National team player, whereas
in reality Jones was a prospective Irish National Team player who earned
International caps for Wales.
‘Mean
machine’ is fairly predictable, irrespective of whether anyone has seen the
original ‘The Longest Yard’. It follows the general narrative of a fallen hero
earning redemption to claw his way back to respectability. Although, it is not
necessarily a comedy, it does have a lighter tone.
Note:
1-A
remake of the Original ‘The Longest
Yard’ was also made in 2005 starring Adam Sandler in the Burt Reynolds role.
